I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
