How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
