I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
