Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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