Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
