I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
