we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
