Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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