i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
