I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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