I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
