The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
