Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
