Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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