my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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