im having a threesome with these popsicles
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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