No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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