These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
