forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
