4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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