i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
