after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
