He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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