just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
