apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
