He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
