my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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