the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
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It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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