I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
