He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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