When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm always down for nudity.
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