just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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