I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
