i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
