i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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