I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize