You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
