tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
