im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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