I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
