I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
