so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
