I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
