dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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