Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
