my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
