Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Drunk is not a location!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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