If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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