Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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