i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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