I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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