DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
