Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
