it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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