I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
