sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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