I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
