So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize